Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family was selected for our latest book club discussion by one of our long-time members. About a year ago, her child told her they were transitioning (female to male) and she has spent the last year researching, learning and talking with her child about their own experiences and choices. After getting permission from them, she shared their story with our group - maybe of whom have known them since they were a toddler. Becoming Nicole is the first book I have read about the transgender experience, and I highly recommend it as a first read on the topic.
Becoming Nicole is the true story of a Nicole (born as Wyatt) Maines and her family. Nicole's parents, Wayne and Kelly adopted her and her brother, Jonas, when they were infant twin boys. As early as toddler's, Wayne and Kelly noticed that each boy gravitated to different types of toys & activities: Jonas to trucks and traditional boy toys, Wyatt to dress-up clothes and dolls. There is a scene in the book where Wyatt, age 2, is dancing in a tutu in front of his reflection in the oven door. Happily adoring the swishing of the skirt. As he grew older and better able to verbalize his thoughts, he asked Kelly when it was his turn to be a girl and referred to himself as a boy-girl. (Those broke my heart.) As Wyatt grows up, his parents must decide how much of his desire to 'be a girl' they should allow and, as puberty approaches, what is the best way to allow him to transition. None of these discussions or decisions are handled lightly and without some conflict. And although they receive a lot of support from their friends & school, not everyone is accepting. In fact, a battle for Nicole to use the girl’s bathroom in middle school leads to a landmark decision in favor of transgender rights.
Pulitzer prize-winning author, Amy Ellis Nutt, spent four years reporting the story of the Maines family and getting so close that the Nicole and Jonas call her Aunt Amy. The thoroughness of the book reflects this intimacy. Although Nicole might be the center of the story, Amy Ellis Nutt captures the perspective of each family member: Kelly, Wayne, and Jonas. Kelly arms herself with research and knowledge from the transgender community and doctors specializing in gender issues. Wayne has a harder time with Nicole's transition but ultimate becomes a vocal advocate for transgender rights. What I remember about Jonas is that he unconditionally accepted his sister and at one point says he always considered Nicole his sister - even as a young child.
Amy Ellis Nutt is a health & science writer for the Washington Post so there are several chapters about the science behind sex development and gender development which I found fascinating and illuminating. It explained, a basic level, the scientific difference between sex and gender.
Transgender rights and issues are in the political spotlight right now. If more people afraid of transgender people would take the time to read Nicole’s story and learn about other’s experiences, I think there might be more empathy and acceptance. We can hope.
If you are looking for a novel with transgenders as the main characters, I recommend Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters.
A few articles or websites I found helpful while reading the book or writing my review. Now that I am more aware, I am seeing articles on transgender rights and issues everywhere:
Glossory of Terms - from the Human Rights Campaign. Becoming Nicole also has a glossary at the back of the book.
How to Support a Child on the Transgender Spectrum - New York Times articles referencing a 2019 CDC study stating that 1.8% of teens identify as transgender. This is a good article for anyone interacting with children and teens.
Lia Thomas, Trans Rights and the Future of Elite Sports: 3 Takeaways from my MIT Panel by Malcolm Gladwell - There is a lot of discussion about trans people, especially trans girls/women, in sports. This was a good summary of the issues with a lot of good links.
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